Bieber Hair & The Swedish Tight Pants Theory

Many of us have (or maybe have not?) heard of the Swedish Tight Pants Theory. It essentially postulated that Swedish men of the 1970’s experienced higher levels of infertility in comparison to men in surrounding countries, primarily due to their strict adherence to the very fashionable, yet in hindsight seemingly foolish, style of wearing uncomfortably tight pants. Bla bla bla and something about the increased heat killing or reducing their ability to produce little squigglies, blabbity blabbity.

The point is, we do so much for fashion. We hurt for fashion. We squirm in pain. We literally bleed for it. Yes, I do it too; usually in the form of shoes too high, too narrow for my platypus feet, and too everything for me to have any business wearing them in the first place.

I believe we just barely made it without experiencing this type of phenomenon again. But only by the skin of our teeth, and probably because of the advise of a hair stylist/pr agent who was ready to change their client’s image, lest the tweens get tired of the same old thing. (You can’t blame them – a recent study showed that the attention span of goldfish is on a steep climb when compared to children aged 8-14. Okay that part’s not true. But didn’t you kind of want to believe that? That’s how scary kids are these days. So scary that we actually may have to take a second to consider whether that study is make believe or not.)

I think I first saw Justin Bieber when he was on Saturday Night Live. I had never heard his name before, but I thought his skit with Tina Fey was hilarious.I couldn’t help wondering however, why his head was cocked to one side the whole time. Even more alarming, was watching him frequently flick his head in quick, yet seemingly violent movements in that direction. I soon realized he was doing this so his hair could look like it was just effortlessly laying to one side, with a messy side part that pretty much lay just above his ear. And of course, during his short trip the the very top of the stars, his haircut, like Jennifer Aniston’s Rachel in the early days of her friendships with Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and the gang, took off like wildfire. Every boy in the neighborhood, every kid I would see in the passenger side of the car after school, with their signature “my life sucks, my parents are so embarrassing, this world is ridiculous, everyone is sooo lame” frowny face, had their head cocked 45 degrees to one side, to hold up their new do. And like their celebrity inspiration, they too took on the frequent, short, yet violent habit of flicking their hair to the side in order to preserve the natural placement of their wispy hair, if only for a good 30 seconds.

Fora  while, I thought we were going to have a problem. And I really couldn’t help thinking of the Swedish men. I found myself fast forwarding 30 years, and seeing these boys as men, with a myriad of mysterious neck pain, tendency to experience whiplash in minor traffic accidents and at least one crook in their neck per week.

Thank you Justin Bieber for changing your haircut. You went short because even you realized how ridiculous it was to keep those wisps up without massive amounts of hairspray. And of course, massive amounts of hairspray wouldn’t look cool, and that would be an entirely different problem.

Well, while we’re here, we may as well continue the rant a bit longer, shant we? Although I guess this part isn’t as much a perceived health problem as the others. It’s more of a general rant and it goes like this…

Must all female singers now wear pretty much some kind of underwear when they are on stage? Women no longer wear pants or skirts or anything. It’s always like a bodysuit, only without any pants on. Of course, it’s cut high to elongate the legs. Yes, let’s just throw it all out there shall we? Who the hay needs pants anyway? Particularly when you have a signing voice. Or really just the ability to look really good on stage shaking “it.” Yep. Pretty sure we can just go ahead and do away with pants. Just put a little sparkle on my lady parts and no one will be the wiser.

End rant.

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