I had this borderline retarded bookkeeper last year, and despite her many flaws (lying on her resume about how well she knew quickbooks, making many a stupid common sense mistake that cost us hundreds, etc etc), she did leave us with a few gems – phrases like “oh….crap on toast!” when something went wrong is amongst some of my favorites.
Okay, now that my stalling is over..here goes.
I know I have not posted in a while. I poured my heart and out and then crawled under a rock. To be fair, although I never really make new year resolutions, this year I did and I’m sticking to most of them. Because of that, I’ve been extremely busy and have had zero time to even check my email on my computer. (Thank goodness I at least get the most important parts on my phone!)
reason excuse, is that I have been overwhelmed by my own thoughts….and actions. I got into a horrible argument with my mother on Saturday and it has left me feeling crappier than ever all week (more on that later). And I’m increasingly disappointed with my work situation and although my resolutions are leading me in the right direction, their results seem so far off that I can’t help but be disappointed NOW. I know I keep doing that to myself – getting discouraged to the point where I quit. And then two years later I think, “well shit. Had I just stuck with it, I would have friggin been done by now.” I’ve gone through two of those cycles in the last five years. And now, I’m even more worried because all of a sudden I’m realizing that I’m not getting any younger. Perhaps even more troublesome is, how to plan things out now (school, kids, potential business, work, etc.)?
And my last
reason excuse, well, it’s not really a reason excuse. Actually, I don’t know what it is. All I know is that the general theme is “feeling overwhelmed.” This particular contribution to this horrid overwhelming feeling has to do with friends and relationships. I have pushed most of my friends away because I cannot recipricate their friendship. It’s not that I dont WANT to. It’s that I lose steam almost. Like I really want to be there for them, and I want to be the first person they call, but when it comes down to it, I end up feeling like I don’t have the time to help them with the project that I so want to help them with, or I don’t want to do that weekly happy hour that I really do want to be a part of, or I don’t want to take the maximum ten minutes to respond to a comment on my post or to comment on someone else’s post, even though I do and have plenty to talk about as I read their contributions!
Heaven forbid these friends, physical and virtual, come to expect me to be there for them?! That they start depending on me to listen, contribute, offer advise, just simply be there is so overwhelming that….gosh…just typing this makes me tired.
And I hate that I feel that way. Because I see other people be so selfless. They take time out of their busy schedules to take a friend out when they’re feeling down. They help their friends stay motivated and stick to that fitness class. They offer insight and advise when others seem so clearly confused and distraught.
WTF? Why can’t I be like that? And while I sit here and wonder why I cannot, my friends forge new friendships and move on without me. Most of the time, they probably think I don’t like them, or I don’t care about them. If they only knew that I do. But I’m simply to lazy to do anything about it. In the meantime, I sit here, and time passes me by.
Part of why I started this blog is so that I can put these feelings down on “paper” and actually go back and see how lame I sound, in an effort to help me not feel this way again! But even THIS, my own blog, my own commitment to MYSELF, I almost abandoned. True, I didn’t abandon it in the end. Well, we’ll see. I’m only one post back into it.
Dammit laila! son of a monkey butter! hmph! : (