Happiness and that OTHER feeling

How is it that I can feel such despair and get sucked into the vortex of loneliness and diminished self worth, and then feel just fine the next day?

Lately, I’ve gone back and forth, like a game of double dutch – one foot down on one side, now one foot down on the other…..continue singing the silly song…..aaaand repeat. Oh wait. Double dutch would take interaction with friends. But I’ve pushed all mine away with claims of “too busy” or “your text must not have come through.” I see the damn text and get mad at myself for ignoring it. But then…just like that, I move on – only to brood over how lame I am later.

I’ve been having those really angry, then giggly, then screaming then laughter moments. The ones that span over only a few minutes in time. The ones that I include funny faces and noises in to make my husband laugh, because I love to make him laugh, and I’m good at making faces and noises, but also so he doesn’t see that is how I’m really feeling inside – that my mood is threatening to go off the deep end or maybe, maybe it just wants to laugh so hard that my cheeks get tired and my tummy hurts. My brain can never figure out which one to give into.

I don’t want to scare him. And business as usual…I worry more about scaring him than I do fixing whatever the hell it is I’m going through. I tell myself it’s normal, even though I just HAD my period so it’s not those hormones. And that I stopped smoking and feel more productive so I should be proud of my decision and should feel just fine.

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!

This morning I woke up much earlier than usual for a Saturday. I also went to bed sooner than usual on a Friday. By 630 I was up and didn’t feel like pretending I was asleep like I usually do.

I put on a fuzzy robe like I think normal people do. I made a cup of tea like I think normal people do. I started studying my gmat book because I swear I’ve seen scenes like that in movies before, soooo…..that’s what normal people do, right?

Hubby abruptly opened the bedroom door and peered into the extra bedroom I’m sitting in, looking confused. He usually gets up before I do on Saturday while I’m pretending to sleep.

“Everything ok?”
“Yeah I just was done sleeping.”
“Oh. You usually get up after me, so I got confused.”
We laugh.
“Ok!” He turns to go back to sleep.
“You’re going back to sleep?!”
“Yep, just for a little bit. See you soon!”

He makes me laugh so hard sometimes. He’s so unbelievably sweet, almost innocent in a way. Why unleash my brain’s nonsense on him? His brother is a bit of a nutjob, but I don’t want him to feel that at home. I want home to be his sanctuary, unlike it was for me and unlike what my mom created for my dad.

He’s told me before when he’s come home from work and seen me happy that he loves when he comes home and I’m excited. And I genuinely AM excited to see him. I love him with all my heart. I am so SO lucky to have someone to make me want to be happy. So even if I’m crying, I suck it up and put on a happy face when I see him. And seeing him makes me feel silly that I felt crappy in the first place. Like, what’s my problem when I’ve got it good.

But I want to be happy for me. And I’m afraid that if I was alone, I wouldn’t allow myself that. I tell myself it’s normal. But is it? I never bring it up to friends or my sister. Is the laughing/crying fit the same for them and we’re all just afraid to say something? They seem so happy. But then, I probably seem so happy, too.

I hate this game : (

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