My job has me at my wits end! My boss spends more time talking about his latest fling than answering questions. If I have one more conversation with him about work that turns into a conversation about his latest sexual exploits, I’m going to start running through the office like a madwoman. I have done all that I can do to help him launch this contracting company, while still trying to manage all the internal operations for his core company. I do not have a background in construction, but no thanks to him, I rocked the biggest job of my (and HIS!) career.
Now, project number 2 is upon us (thanks to MY estimating and site visits) and he once again is MIA. I am overwhelmed to say the least, and it gets me to the point where I can’t even focus. (Hence, I’m sitting here typing furiously because I just got off the phone with my crane guy and it made my stomach hurt from stress.)
Aside from being the project manager on this job, I have a million IT issues to deal with because nobody in this office knows a damn thing about computers. Marketing has gone to hell because I have no time to deal with it. And if one more technician hurts themselves, I’m going to have a hissy fit, because putting on my HR hat to fill out worker’s comp paperwork is a time suck, and I’m started to not care that you bumped your effing knee. As my mother-in-law told me once when my klutziness kicked in during a backpacking trip, “when you start feeling yourself get like that, move with deliberation.”
This feeling will not go away and it’s only getting stronger. As part of my resolutions, I promised myself I would take the gmat test so I could apply to school, and make moves towards that little drive thru coffee shop I’ve been wanting to do for years. The coffee shop analysis is on it’s way (somewhat) and tonight is my first gmat study group. Awesome! But when I see how my boss operates, I just want to throw it all away and just start serving tables again.
Why work so hard for a low salary and zero benefits? I used to do so well at my last job. Yes, apparently I made a mistake leaving. Part of it wasn’t my fault. I decided to leave, they replaced me, I left and the whole effing economy fell apart. But I should have just kept my mouth shut.
I can’t help myself. I cannot stand by and be taken advantage of by my employers. But I’m too much of a wuss to start out on my own. Is that normal? Is it because I don’t have someone pushing me? Do the people who have achieved the things that I want have someone pushing them? My husband is wonderful, but he has his own issues and I don’t like to dump these things on him. I try not to show him how stressed out I am, but already, only a few weeks into January and I’m getting that dreaded feeling of wanting to sleep all day and hide until it’s over, whatever IT is.
The overwhelming feelings are taking over. I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I do not deserve to be successful, I made the wrong decisions and I have to deal with it because they were my choices. I feel like they’re sucking me back into the darkness. I am drowning.