Dear Overwhelming Feeling….Go to Hell!

My job has me at my wits end! My boss spends more time talking about his latest fling than answering questions. If I have one more conversation with him about work that turns into a conversation about his latest sexual exploits, I’m going to start running through the office like a madwoman. I have done all that I can do to help him launch this contracting company, while still trying to manage all the internal operations for his core company. I do not have a background in construction, but no thanks to him, I rocked the biggest job of my (and HIS!) career.

Now, project number 2 is upon us (thanks to MY estimating and site visits) and he once again is MIA. I am overwhelmed to say the least, and it gets me to the point where I can’t even focus. (Hence, I’m sitting here typing furiously because I just got off the phone with my crane guy and it made my stomach hurt from stress.)

Aside from being the project manager on this job, I have a million IT issues to deal with because nobody in this office knows a damn thing about computers. Marketing has gone to hell because I have no time to deal with it. And if one more technician hurts themselves, I’m going to have a hissy fit, because putting on my HR hat to fill out worker’s comp paperwork is a time suck, and I’m started to not care that you bumped your effing knee. As my mother-in-law told me once when my klutziness kicked in during a backpacking trip, “when you start feeling yourself get like that, move with deliberation.”

This feeling will not go away and it’s only getting stronger. As part of my resolutions, I promised myself I would take the gmat test so I could apply to school, and make moves towards that little drive thru coffee shop I’ve been wanting to do for years. The coffee shop analysis is on it’s way (somewhat) and tonight is my first gmat study group. Awesome! But when I see how my boss operates, I just want to throw it all away and just start serving tables again.

Why work so hard for a low salary and zero benefits? I used to do so well at my last job. Yes, apparently I made a mistake leaving. Part of it wasn’t my fault. I decided to leave, they replaced me, I left and the whole effing economy fell apart. But I should have just kept my mouth shut.

I can’t help myself. I cannot stand by and be taken advantage of by my employers. But I’m too much of a wuss to start out on my own. Is that normal? Is it because I don’t have someone pushing me? Do the people who have achieved the things that I want have someone pushing them? My husband is wonderful, but he has his own issues and I don’t like to dump these things on him. I try not to show him how stressed out I am, but already, only a few weeks into January and I’m getting that dreaded feeling of wanting to sleep all day and hide until it’s over, whatever IT is.

The overwhelming feelings are taking over. I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, I do not deserve to be successful, I made the wrong decisions and I have to deal with it because they were my choices. I feel like they’re sucking me back into the darkness. I am drowning.

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3 thoughts on “Dear Overwhelming Feeling….Go to Hell!

  1. I wrote a long comment earlier, but just as I went to hit “post comment” my connection fizzled and so it goes…I write stream of consciousness, but I’ll try my best to recreate it in thought and feeling…

    Lailita,

    No. No. No. You may not beat up on yourself. Those voices telling you that you are a failure are ravens come to feast from the netherworld. You must turn them away. Honestly, every time one of those thoughts that you made the wrong choice, that you don’t deserve success, that you aren’t smart enough comes to you, counteract it with a positive thought.

    You are basically running a business. Yes, you aren’t getting paid what you should for what you’re doing. You’re not the only one, Laila. But you are a star. What would that office be like if it weren’t for you? Where would your boss be? Fuck him and his sexual acrobatics, cut him off when he starts to relate them. Bring him back to business and while you’re at it, tell him to give you a new title, a raise, and an assistant. Okay, tell him diplomatically. You’re an extremely intelligent woman. Sit down and analyze what’s happening. Tell him that you are so busy doing x, y, and z that p, d, and q are suffering. You know how to do this. You can’t control his actions, but you can be all business.

    I just climbed out of the pit, Laila, and I’m not leaving you in there. I’m throwing you a rope. I’ll come in after you and bring you out. What you’re going through isn’t worth your sanity. I want you to start nurturing yourself as much as possible as of this very minute. Here’s what I want you to do 1) Eat food that is healthy and nutritious and tasty.
    Eat comfort food. 2) Tell your husband how you feel and what you’re going through. I understand he has issues. But he’s your hubs, and he loves you, and he wouldn’t want you to go through this alone. He doesn’t need to rescue you. You don’t need rescuing because you are smart and you can take care of yourself. But you do need love and hugs and support, especially from the man you share your life with. 3) When you are really down, ask a friend to come and sit with you. Just having someone with you helps so much. I’ve done this myself. Asked my friends to include me in their plans, asked to stay the night with them. Believe me, they will be eager to help in this way. And especially your sister will be. 4) Do whatever you can to lift your spirits. Watch uplifting movies. Take long walks in beautiful places. Watch the sun set. 5) Get out of your head. Whether it’s by reading or cooking or watching tv, give your brain a rest. I know it goes at warp speed all the time. 5) Banish those raven thoughts. 6) Have someone come in and clean house for you if you need. Having an organized and clean and pleasing environment is essential. 7) Tell people exactly how they can help you. Use your resources. 8) Blog, blog, blog your heart out. Then put those thoughts aside. 9) Know that you are capable, strong, and intelligent. You can do this. You don’t have to go there. There is nothing good there.

    Take my hand. We’ll get through these hard times together. ♥

  2. Tam,

    I’ve come back to your comment and have read it repeatedly. I’m sorry I haven’t responded. I’m particularly sorry I have not THANKED YOU. Dammit! I do this all the time. I wait and wait and wait and then it gets awkward. I’m sorry. AND THANKS. Truly, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you so much for caring and for taking the time to help pull me out of this damn funk. I KNOW how hard it can be, and I cannot even come close to saying that what I go through is like what you go through. And yet, you took the time time be there for me.

    I simply cannot thank you enough.

    Please do not take my lack of response for rudeness. I’m embarrassed for not having thanked you sooner. I’m also embarrassed for doing things like this a lot. Which probably explains why my friends have seemingly had it with me.

    I’m still overwhelmed, but having that kind of lucid moment where I realize that, just like you say, those thoughts are poppycock! And that I know I have the tools to make them stop. I’m not out of the hole quite yet. It’s an up and down, back and forth, as you know very well.

    But still. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU my dear! ♥

  3. Dearest Laila, please do not think that I would judge you by whether or not you respond in someone’s idea of an appropriate time frame. I have been sucked in by that overwhelming feeling too many times and been missing in action for weeks, months, and years, to that to hold sway on me. One of my very best friends taught me, by example, to be gracious to others who occasionally drop off the face of the earth. : )
    It’s my pleasure to be there for you in whatever way I can. It’s what friends do.
    Off to read your new posts! xoxo T.

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