The hubs has a set of really great parents. I love spending time at his childhood home and seeing them go about their day. It’s like leave it to beaver or something! Now of course every family has issues and I’m not naive enough to think they don’t. They do. After 8 years of being together, I’ve been made privy to more than a few. But still, they’re still together, active, loving and just great individuals in general. I’m so happy to have them in my life.

He also grew up with a group of boys that he is still close with today. I find this to be absolutely awesome and love how amazing their relationships are. But that’s a subject for another post.

Most of the guys are married with 2 kids, the oldest being about 3 years old. And for years now, the hubs’ clock has been ticking. Yeah I didnt realize that can happen, but apparently, it does.

There are so many reasons to wait, and yet so many reasons to not. As they say, it’s never the right time. But I remain firm on a few key things, the main one being that neither of us have proper insurance to speak of, and the expense of pregnancy alone will hurt us a great deal. Taking on the expense of everything else is just too much for us right now. Yes I tend to be extremely cautious with my (and now our) money. But I cant help it. I was a welfare child after my dad left. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. Plus money troubles (amongst other things) keep me up at night. Literally. I don’t need that.

But the biggest thing holding me back is not that I’m not ready….it’s that I fear I am somewhat broken.

This past year, I’ve gotten closer with my dad, whom I had a severely strained relationship with, and have become angrier and angrier with my mother for the choices she made while raising me despite my constant defense of her behavior in the past.

It’s not that she didn’t try or didn’t love me. She was just…..well….stupid. Her behavior most of the time is so irrational, that I have come to the realization that she has a mental illness. Okay that’s not a new realization, but something that I seriously believe these days.

I don’t think I have the same mental illness. However, I am continuously concerned that I will naturally fall into some of the same habits that she had while raising me. And that scares me a great deal.

I am afraid I will get angry too fast, like she did; always sending me off to school in tears over nothing. I’m afraid I will not care enough, and not encourage my child or support their need for extracurricular activities and academic development. I’m afraid I’ll be too strict to the point of driving my child into solitude. Or that I will not be able to teach them the things they need to be responsible and thoughtful adults. All issues that I struggle with today.

I discussed this briefly with the jedi OT who reassured me that I won’t be like her because I’m conscious of it. But I’m tired NOW. How much more tired will I be with a child in my life, and how easy will it be to fall into the familiar behavior because of that?

I refuse to allow a child to go through a childhood like mine. I spent most of it alone, hoping and praying to grow up faster so I could be on my own. Luckily I was mature beyond my years and waited it out, instead of acting out and getting in trouble. I’ve now spent a good deal of my adult life mourning the loss of a childhood that I never really had.

I want to have children. But I’m scared. Really scared. And even more so because I don’t want to scare my husband with my fears.

I will work through the fears. But there is a wee bit of pressure to, ahem, get it going in the next couple of years or so. How do I fix it all by then?


10 thoughts on “Children

    • Thank you so much for visiting my blog. I really appreciate your comments! And what beautiful images you have posted on yours! I love the tips and will be sure to turn my husband onto your blog when he finally gets that camera he wants!

      Happy new year!

  1. Were you tearful after writing that post? I was. It is heartbreaking that these precarious times and your anguished past make you so fearful of having children.( Of course, I was terrified of my first new baby and had a secret desire to go home without her. She is now 45 and a good person.) Don’t have a child until you want to but don’t expect ‘perfect’ conditions to ever happen and if you do have a child, don’t take the experience too seriously. One can flounder in the present world of pending obesity, when to go to pre-school, helmets, knee pads, immunizations and a blinding array of electronic terrors.

    Kudos on being ‘pressed.’

    • Thank you so much for your kindness and advise Susanna. Yes, I was teary-eyed through the whole thing. It is simply unbearable to me to bring an entire human being into the world without being prepared to give them my best. But it is so helpful to read about your experience! And it is so true! Even as a member of this high-tech generation, I worry about how difficult it will be to navigate parenthood with the internet, cell phones and constant potential threats!

      As for being pressed…I really had no idea until I read your comments! I’m a little embarrassed to tell you the truth! But still, thank you so much for visiting and taking the time to comment. I will definitely refer to your insight when I am inevitably in doubt.

      All the best, L

  2. Yours is a very moving post. I am 39 and I have a 4 1/2 yr old child and we are looking forward to having another. I am so very glad that we waited to have children as there was so much I went through when I was younger. I can understand your pain in being a welfare child. It hurts so much to have so little when others have so much.

    • Thank you for your comment, I truly appreciate it. Although living with financial difficulties at such as young age is difficult, I’m beginning to think (thanks to your post) that it’s almost a blessing in disguise, because we are prepared to consider the complexities of the issue more thoroughly when considering parenthood. I imagine that you have been able to pass along a lot of important lessons to your child because of your experiences. I noticed some serious obstacles on your postings, and I truly hope that you keep your readers (and me!) updated. Thank you for sharing yourself with the world!

  3. I really think you would make a conscientious parent. I realize you have fear about your own life, but as a parent myself, I know there are many things that I have chosen not to do because of my past. Don’t stress about that.

    There’s something to be said, though, for making sure the finances are ready. True, you could get into a rut of always waiting for the “right” amount of money or the “perfect” situation. That’s probably never goign to happen. Many people have babies without excellent insurance (I did) and they live to tell the tale.

    Whatever you two decide, know it’s going to be ok. 🙂

    • Thank you Marla! I marvel at people who decide to take challenges head on and dedicate themselves to parenthood. I often wonder if there is a magic wand that gives them the strength and fearlessness to do so. But it seems that there is no magic wand, just thoughtfulness and gumption.

      And thanks for the reassurance. Wow – who knew that my tiny little post would bring me so much valuable advise from caring individuals! Thanks for visiting! I wish you all the best : )

  4. Laila, my love, I was 33 when I had my first child. I hadn’t seriously thought about having children until I became pregnant. I really wasn’t sure about what kind of mother I would be. I didn’t have the most pleasant childhood, but mine was a picnic compared to yours. After becoming pregnant, however, I had a great deal of respect for the being growing within me. And when I saw him for the first time, I fell in love like I’d never fallen in love with a man. And I was truly happy for the first time in my life. Being a mother is the role that I fill most naturally in my life, most energetically, and most lovingly. Years of therapy have made a huge impact on me, and perhaps you would feel reassured in that setting as well. Despite my current circumstances, and illness, I am a great mom. And I have this feeling you will be as well. I don’t know where you are or how you could go about getting better insurance. And are you on fp? My display of fp is showing the same old stuff from before New Year’s. You must be because others have said so, and congratulations! I’m proud of you, girl! Your buddy… T.

    • T – Your words are so comforting! They put such a huge smile on my face and gave me a lot of hope. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing that with me! Hopefully, I’ll be able to start therapy and work through a lot of my issues. For now, wordpress is the couch and readers like you take the place of my old therapist, whom I affectionately refer to as my “jedi OT”! : )

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