The hubs has a set of really great parents. I love spending time at his childhood home and seeing them go about their day. It’s like leave it to beaver or something! Now of course every family has issues and I’m not naive enough to think they don’t. They do. After 8 years of being together, I’ve been made privy to more than a few. But still, they’re still together, active, loving and just great individuals in general. I’m so happy to have them in my life.
He also grew up with a group of boys that he is still close with today. I find this to be absolutely awesome and love how amazing their relationships are. But that’s a subject for another post.
Most of the guys are married with 2 kids, the oldest being about 3 years old. And for years now, the hubs’ clock has been ticking. Yeah I didnt realize that can happen, but apparently, it does.
There are so many reasons to wait, and yet so many reasons to not. As they say, it’s never the right time. But I remain firm on a few key things, the main one being that neither of us have proper insurance to speak of, and the expense of pregnancy alone will hurt us a great deal. Taking on the expense of everything else is just too much for us right now. Yes I tend to be extremely cautious with my (and now our) money. But I cant help it. I was a welfare child after my dad left. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. Plus money troubles (amongst other things) keep me up at night. Literally. I don’t need that.
But the biggest thing holding me back is not that I’m not ready….it’s that I fear I am somewhat broken.
This past year, I’ve gotten closer with my dad, whom I had a severely strained relationship with, and have become angrier and angrier with my mother for the choices she made while raising me despite my constant defense of her behavior in the past.
It’s not that she didn’t try or didn’t love me. She was just…..well….stupid. Her behavior most of the time is so irrational, that I have come to the realization that she has a mental illness. Okay that’s not a new realization, but something that I seriously believe these days.
I don’t think I have the same mental illness. However, I am continuously concerned that I will naturally fall into some of the same habits that she had while raising me. And that scares me a great deal.
I am afraid I will get angry too fast, like she did; always sending me off to school in tears over nothing. I’m afraid I will not care enough, and not encourage my child or support their need for extracurricular activities and academic development. I’m afraid I’ll be too strict to the point of driving my child into solitude. Or that I will not be able to teach them the things they need to be responsible and thoughtful adults. All issues that I struggle with today.
I discussed this briefly with the jedi OT who reassured me that I won’t be like her because I’m conscious of it. But I’m tired NOW. How much more tired will I be with a child in my life, and how easy will it be to fall into the familiar behavior because of that?
I refuse to allow a child to go through a childhood like mine. I spent most of it alone, hoping and praying to grow up faster so I could be on my own. Luckily I was mature beyond my years and waited it out, instead of acting out and getting in trouble. I’ve now spent a good deal of my adult life mourning the loss of a childhood that I never really had.
I want to have children. But I’m scared. Really scared. And even more so because I don’t want to scare my husband with my fears.
I will work through the fears. But there is a wee bit of pressure to, ahem, get it going in the next couple of years or so. How do I fix it all by then?